Category: faith

Bilateral Pro-phy-WHAT?

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Sometimes when unexpected news comes, it is shock that follows.

I experienced the feeling of shock at the age of seven, sitting on a couch in the formal living room in my childhood home when my mom told me she was sick.

I experienced the feeling of shock when I lost my mother to breast cancer at age fourteen.

I experienced shock when I sat in a genetic counselor’s office a few months ago and heard the words bilateral prophylactic mastectomy.

Bilateral Pro—phy—WHAT? 

Currently I am thirty-five, a pastor’s wife, and a mom to four kids under the age of ten. I am healthy. I just had my yearly physical and I had a clear reading on my latest mammogram.

When I was given the medical recommendation to have a preventative double mastectomy, it felt a whole lot like being thrown into a cold pool for a polar plunge. In many ways I felt like my head was below water and my extremities were paralyzed, unable to tred (breaststroke? not sure if that’s funny) in the waters where I had just been thrown.

Bilateral Pro—phy—WHY?

God has been preparing me for such a time as this. He has been writing a redemptive story for me in all of this, even from the time of my first feeling of shock at the age of seven.

Once I began to recognize the redemptive story God was writing for me, I was able to begin to tred water and think about the larger picture of bilateral pro—phy—why.

Why have all my breast tissue removed? Well, the PALB2 gene mutation increases my risk to 60%. One of my doctors said, “Rach, this is not a matter of if you get cancer, this is a matter of when.”

I have learned my mother’s cancer was unresponsive to treatment. And I have learned that the PALB2 gene is twice as likely to develop into the kind of breast cancer that does not respond to treatment. So this means this is not a matter of if I get cancer, this is a matter of when I will get deadly breast cancer.

A bilateral prophylactic double mastectomy reduces my risk of breast cancer from 60% to almost 0%. For me this means I am freed from the fear and anxiety I experience with each preventative scan.

Why am I choosing to have my breast tissue removed? I want to be healthy for my family.

Bilateral Pro—phy—HOW?

As far as I understand this, the bilateral prophylactic mastectomy will consist of two parts: the breast tissue removal done by a breast surgeon and the reconstruction done by the plastic surgeon. Step one: all my breast tissue will be removed and checked for any signs of breast cancer. Step two: in the same surgery a plastic surgeon will then begin reconstruction.

Reconstruction can be done in two ways: DIEP Flap where natural tissue is taken from another part of your body and moved to your breasts or implants. The DIEP Flap procedure is one surgery and a longer one time recovery. The implant reconstruction process is a shorter two part surgery and a shorter recovery.

After much consideration, at this time I believe the best option for me is to go the implant route. I have had four c-sections and I am not sure I can handle recovering from an abdominal incision at the same time as recovering from mastectomy incisions.

Bilateral Pro—phy—WHEN?

My surgery is scheduled for November 5th. I would appreciate your prayers as I adjust to this new normal over the next few months.

A bilateral prophylactic mastectomy may be a hard thing, but it is the right thing for me. I believe God renews us in the hard things . . . I believe He is good in the hard things . . . I believe He will be my help and my strength in this bilateral pro—phy—WHAT hard thing.

What is Beautiful?

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My four year old daughter thundered down the staircase and threw our large plastic paddle brush into the dining room. “I will never be beautiful,” she said.

“I can NEVER brush through these tangles in my hair.”

Her ringlet curls do make it difficult to brush through her hair and every day brushing is a battle. For a four year old, it must feel frustrating to try to brush through hair which always seems to be tangled.

Gently, I picked up my daughter, the brush, and dug down deep for Jesus and His compassion and empathy. I told her we simply needed to wash her hair and start all over again. As I washed her hair in sink, I talked to her about how beauty is not what is seen on the outside; I told my daughter that beauty comes from within.

What is Beautiful?

This is a question I have been struggling with in my own heart lately. As a girl who loves a cute dress, a fresh highlight, and has been able to give a good first impression with my outward appearance in seasons in my life, the news of the recommendation for a double mastectomy and reconstruction at the age of thirty-five has left me thundering down the stairs and throwing things into the dining room.

Emotionally my heart feels like hard-to-brush-through-tangled-up hair. This coarse feeling I have on the inside about beauty has caused me to take a closer look at how beauty impacts my personal story, what is the current cultural definition of beauty, and what is God’s definition of beauty from His Word. I have needed to go to God’s Word and wash out the untruth I have tangled-up in my heart with the gospel.

My Story of Beauty

As a woman who cares about what others think of me, I have found myself tangled-up in caring a lot about what I wear and how I look. In my story I have gotten attention for what I look like, compliments on my clothing, and affirmation about my outward appearance. This is a piece of my story I still wrestle with. Even after losing much of my youthful beauty after having four children in four years, the distorted desire to impress others with my outward appearance is a deeply woven thread in my story.

“For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).”

Culture’s Story of Beauty

Our culture values beauty. Our culture sees beauty first. It is natural for our hearts to be attracted to beauty because God made things beautiful, but sin distorts our attraction to beauty. When our hearts desire being beautiful or seeking beauty more than our hearts desire the Maker of beauty we find ourselves living in a culture with an upside-down order.

This upside-down order leads to a never enough cycle of thirsty living. We feel never enough because beauty in itself can never satisfy, there is never contentment or peace in upside-down order. We find ourselves thirsty at a well that can never satisfy the longing we have inwardly. Inwardly we are made for right-side up order, to love God first and recognize all the things that are beautiful come from Him.

“ ‘My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water’ (Jeremiah 2:13).”

When I observe the world around me I see many of us women always working so hard to be beautiful. Outward beauty is highly valued in our culture. I am one of these women too. This upside-down order of seeing beauty before we see the Maker of beauty leaves us as women living with a distorted lens for what is actually beautiful.

The Gospel’s Story of Beauty

I have cried many tears over the past few weeks and I confess this has to do with the fact that my heart is tangled-up in a distorted definition of what is beautiful. I quite possibly love my current body and the way my current dresses fit more than I thought I did. Changing my body brings the weight of grief and sadness.

I have needed to take these coarse tangles in my heart to the sink of God’s Word, wash my heart with them, and start all over again; in the same way I washed my daughter’s hair in the sink and reminded her that beauty is not what is seen on the outside, beauty comes from within.

As a woman who professes faith in the gospel, the good news of Christ’s work on the cross, I have to unravel the untruths I have tangled-up in my heart about beauty. These untruths come from my personal story and the way I have observed the culture around me. Next, I need to be transformed by the renewal of God’s Word and the Spirit which transforms from the inside out. Finally, I need to walk in these truths with obedience to truth, the support and accountability of God’s community and their encouragement and love during this time.

God is using this chapter in my story to remind me that He is making me new (Rev 21:5), my body is a living sacrifice for His glory (Romans 12:1, Col 1:27), and yes outwardly I am wasting away, but inwardly I am being renewed day by day (2 Cor 4:16).

Before the foundation of the world God has been preparing me for this chapter in my story (Eph 1, Ps 139:16) and He has chosen this time in my life because I have wrestled with many of the coarsely woven tangled-up places in my heart. I have gone to the sink and started over. Over and over again, and I am surrounded by many people who know me, love me, will pray for me, and will remind me of God’s promises when I cannot remember them for myself.

What is Beautiful? 

Jesus is beautiful. He sacrificed Himself so many could have eternal life through their trust in Him and His work on the cross.

When I think with the lens of this gospel picture, a few scars and changes in my body feel insignificant compared to Christ’s sacrifice. I have a life giving opportunity though wounds and scars to live a longer life with my family and protect my children from the hard childhood story that still impacts my life today.

Trusting in God’s promises is beautiful. God has been writing this story for me since before the beginning of time. He has gone before me and He is holding me. I simply need to trust in Him. The path may not be easy, but God promises that when we are weak, Christ’s power is perfectly displayed (2 Cor 12:9). I am a broken person and I feel weak. But it is Christ’s power that will sustain me.

God’s people are beautiful. Though it has been hard to walk through this publicly, it has been God’s people who have walked me to the sink of God’s Word and helped me unravel the coarse places I have tangled-up in my heart. It has been God’s people who have encouraged me and reminded me of His love and His promises during this time. I am so grateful for the beauty of His church.

I am beautiful. Not because of how I look on the outside, but because of God working in and through me on the inside. Behold, He is making all things new (Rev 21:5).

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

 

What Would Mom Say?

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A few days ago I went to a genetic counselor to update my preventative care plan for my PALB2 gene mutation. A PALB2 gene mutation is the third most high risk gene mutation for breast cancer, directly after the BRAC1 and BRAC2.

I was expecting to hear that I needed to keep up with my current plan: six month rotation between 3D breast mammograms and breast MRIs, but instead, my genetic counselor recommended a double mastectomy and a referral to a breast surgeon.

This recommendation comes from new research since the time I had my gene testing three years ago, as well as my family history and my mother passing away from breast cancer when I was so young.

I am still spinning from this news and quite scared. I am thirty-five years old and it seems quite drastic to have a preventative double mastectomy.

My husband and I have always agreed that we would do whatever was necessary for me to live the longest and healthiest life possible, but honestly I am struggling with this news. This was not in my big picture plan for this year.

As I have struggled with the news, I have thought about my mother. In 1990, if she would have had access to gene testing and preventative care, I think she would have done all she could. And if she was still living, seeing me mother my four children with this option to prevent myself from the years of chemo, radiation, and sickness she personally went through from the time I was seven until she passed when I was fourteen, I think she would say, “Why wouldn’t you spare yourself from what I went through?”

I am wrestling with what is biblical in my double mastectomy story. This is a pill very difficult to swallow. I trust God and I believe in His promises, but I am still unsure of what faith looks like in this situation. It feels so much more gray than black and white.

If you read this, please pray for Michael and I as we discern what is best for our family. I think Mom would say I should walk though this double mastectomy story for my health, my husband, and my family.

I am a hot mess of tears and emotion. I believe God is good all of the time, and I believe He is writing a good story for me. Thank you for being alongside me on this unexpected journey.

At the End of Patience

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Raise your hand if you are ready for school to start. Are you finding yourself at the end of your patience?

I love my children and the slowness of summertime. I love the freedom to go to the pool, ride bikes, catch fireflies, and the excuse to eat more ice cream than normal. We have had a sweet summer, but as we inch closer to the start of school the inches of my patience are slowly disintegrating.

My Close Knit Kids Are Tried Of One Another

At the beginning of the summer it was so sweet to see my four children reunited. They played well, shared their toys, and encouraged one another. After two months together, I have noticed a large increase in tattling, screaming, and selfishness.

Just yesterday, a dear friend and mentor called me and when I picked up the phone there were children screaming in the background. Last night we came home from church camp and my children were screaming in the driveway.

I Am Tired

You all, I am so tired. I mean how many times can I say my coined momma phrases with a Mary Poppins attitude?

Listening is loving.

Ask a question if you want something instead of demanding it.

If someone asks us to stop we stop. 

First is not the worst when we get in the car. 

God has given your younger siblings two parents, and you as a sibling have the freedom to not be their parent. 

You are playing too rough.

No biting.

If our brother asks us to eat a piece off the cactus in his room, you don’t have to do it.

I have lost touch with my inner Mary Poppins in the recent days, found myself to be more like Maleficent, and I have wanted to give up.

God Is Not Tired

I was soberly convicted this morning about my impatience and lethargy when it comes to hanging in there with my children for these last few weeks of summer. God has never given up on me in seasons where I have been doing much worse than eating cactus. God is a pursuing God, God is an active God, and God is a patient God.

When we find ourselves tired as parents, we can find everlasting patience in Him.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary,  and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint (Isaiah 40: 29-31).

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance (2 Peter 3:9).

As I stepped out of my feelings of weariness this morning I refocused on God and His Word. It is a high calling to show my children Jesus, and a great privilege. I am so grateful that God’s mercies are new every morning and today can be the first new day to model repentance and faith to my children.

How Can We Walk Alongside Those Who Are Tired When We Are Tired Ourselves?

First, we repent of our shortcomings and lack of patience with our children and we remind them of the truth that God is a pursuing and patient God.

Then we point our children to truth in God’s Word. I used a short devotional today from Susan Hunt’s Big Truths for Little Kids.

Next we pray. We explain to our children that the kind of love and patience we are asking for is supernatural and cannot be accomplished in human strength. We love simply because God first loved us.

And in a few short hours, we will probably do this all over again. This is perseverance and a testimony of a real an active God to our children.

Hope For Those Who Are Tired

Today, I am thankful for a pursuing God who is teaching me to depend on His patience instead of my dried-up well of human patience. This is a truth I know, but even though I know the truth, as a human, sometimes, I fail to walk in the truth.

God is redeeming His people all the time. We simply need to come to Him. I pray I can show my children more of my  life of  dependence upon a loving and patient God rather than a worn out mother operating out of a dried-up well of human patience.

God never tires. His mercies are new every morning. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Great is His faithfulness, even when He needs to remind me of the same thing over and over again.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light (Matthew 28-30).

The Faith of a Mustard Seed

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Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you (Matthew 17:20).

My heart loves control. I like to keep my schedule predictable and I prefer to be prepared in advance for anything (I have a freezer full of meals in case I happen to die).

It is difficult for me to step out of my schedule and my comfort because I fear unpredictability. This comes from a deeply woven thread in my story; because my mother passed away when I was a teenager, I try to protect myself from the pain of losing again with human effort and control. I have a distorted belief that if I can keep everything in its neat little box and stay within the five-mile radius of my suburban bubble I can protect myself and the ones I love from pain.

I have lived this way for as long as I can remember. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was only seven years old. But now as an adult woman with four children of my own, and as a woman who professes faith in a completely in-control God, I have to take my thoughts about human control and my neat little boxes captive.

I wonder. Am I limiting my faith by staying inside of my predicability and control? How can I grow in my connection with God and my trust in His provision if deep down I am limited by fear of the unknown?

This deeply woven gospel issue is difficult for me to unravel. It takes baby steps and small ounces of faith—little by little and day by day.

A month ago I went on a church trip with my husband to Croatia. In the months of planning and preparation to leave my four children there were many moments I was arrested by the fear of the unknown. I wrote a twenty-four page guide for my children and sister-in-laws to reference while I was away. In the months leading up to the trip, I experienced several sleepless nights worrying over what may happen if I die, how my children could drown while I wasn’t right there watching them, and how my house could catch on fire. One particular afternoon I spent several hours sobbing and writing letters to each of my children upon my death.

From January until mid-June all I did was dream up all of the horrible, most terrible things that could happen when I stepped out of my suburban bubble and predictable schedule. From January to mid-June I was a slave to my fear and anxiety, instead of a faithful, trusting follower of the Good God I claim I trust in.

In preparation for the trip, I went one step at a time, and God provided for me with each and every step. I asked for help with my children and two family members committed to helping me right away. I wrote letters for financial support, and though the body of Christ, ninety percent of the money for my trip was raised.

On the day of the trip, getting in the car was the hardest part. Then getting on a plane, and another, and another. But one step at a time I went, trying to embrace faith over fear, and fighting to remember that I do not control the world.

It is Satan who wants me to be a slave to my fear and cling to my neat little boxes and my five-mile suburban radius. It is Satan who wants me to be tangled up in the wounds of my past. But God wants me to thrive as I learn to leave fear and control and trust Him. God wants me to have faith that when I step out into the unknown, He will hold me up because He cares for me. And He will hold up my children too.

It is the one step at a time, faith of a mustard seed that made the mountain of fear in my heart move and slowly unravel away.

And the one step at a time, faith of a mustard seed yielded greater blessing than I could have ever asked for or think up. I made dear friends in Mačkovec, Croatia. Friends who I would have never met tangled up in slavery to my fear. My children thrived while I was away and were cared for by so many friends, family, and church family.

And thankfully, no one died, drowned, or caught on fire.

On the other side of my trip to Croatia, I have a little more faith, and a little less fear of the unknown. I am thankful for the faith of a mustard seed that can move a mountain fear within my heart. And I am thankful for a God who wants to unravel me from my neat little boxes and predictable schedule. He really holds up the world. Even when I fail to trust Him.