Why The Twos Aren’t Terrible

August 14, 2013June 22, 20166 Comments

I cringe every time I hear someone say the phrase.

It’s like anticipating a great meal at a restaurant and someone tells you, oh… but it’s terrible. Or the movie you’ve waited to see all year gets a terrible review and you read it right after purchasing your ticket.

Hearing the phrase “terrible twos” can be a major let down. It sets young mothers up to anticipate a year of pure horror. I cringe when I hear a more experienced mom telling a newer mom these words. It makes moms look at the year of two through a lens of negativity, anticipating the worst.

Now in all seriousness, I am a realist and I don’t live in on a fluffy cloud of sparkles with rainbows and unicorns. My children are just like all other children. They throw tantrums and disobey my voice. My children are opinionated, strong willed and have been found to lay face down on the floor crying during church. But my children are far from terrible.

My oldest is four and a half and my second born turns three in a few days. I am not an expert but I have recently lived through two (almost) consecutive years of life with a two year old (I have a twenty one month old as well so I am on the brink of another stab at it).

And I will say it. The twos aren’t terrible at all and I really wish I would stop hearing the bummer phrase. I am really on a mission to stop the phrase all together.

The year of two should be called “The Passionate Twos” instead.

Okay, so the alliteration is not there but the terrible defined is: to cause great fear or alarm or even dreadful.

In contrast, passionate defined is: capable of having or dominated by powerful emotions.

Have you ever looked at a two year old and sensed great fear?

I don’t sense great fear looking at that baby face.

But The Passionate Two Year Old is very capable of having powerful emotions (like: laying face down on the floor and crying their sweet little eyes out).

They cry big but the laugh big and love big too.

The Passionate Two Year Old is learning to express what they want.

Instead of a “grown up” nonchalant eye roll or deep sigh, twos only know how to lay on the floor and cry.

And I don’t blame them either. A two year old does not yet have the social cues to know that it is unacceptable to lay on the floor and cry and a two year old has not quite learned how to deal with disappointment because they have experienced very few disappointing circumstances in their short seven hundred and thirtyish days of living.

Really, since birth a two year old has (pretty much) gotten what they needed when they needed it.

Diaper changes, food, sleep and playtime and then when their little brains start thinking in their own way and hear the word “no” we as adults have decided to call the The Passionate Two Year Old, being dominated by intense emotion, terrible or dreadful.

Why do we do that? And why do we then feel like we are important enough to turn around and let younger moms know “what is coming.”

How could this be terrible?

How could someone who wants to “be cozy with you” be terrible?

How could someone who builds a tall tower for the first time and says, “I did it mommy” be terrible?

Two year olds go through so much change and we should give them more credit. Their ability to speak and reason change dramatically in their second year and most two year olds change to a toddler bed, get a new sibling, give up their pacifiers and learn how to use the potty in the year of two.

That is an enormous amount of change for a little one.

As adults we ask two year olds to cope with so much and then gasp when they express intense emotion.

I think two year olds are pretty amazing.

Curious.

And sweet.

But just because they are passionate does not make them terrible at all.

If you are expecting, have an infant or a one year old please know what is coming next is not terrible, dreadful or a year of intense fear.

The year of two is teaching your precious, sweet, curious child to deal with their intense emotions they are experiencing for the first time like disappointment, jealousy, envy and loss. (I honestly know many adults well into their thirties who don’t handle any of those emotions very well yet.)

The year of two is filled with some of the best story times, longest snuggles, I love you mommys, first sweet thankful prayers, bear hugs, imaginative play and curiosity that cannot be harnessed.

Advocate for your Passionate Two Year Old and stop saying “Terrible Twos!”

Sheesh, two year olds are not terrible at all.

Happy Birthday Sweet Asher, your passion, sweetness and curiosity have inspired this post and made me a better mommy.

Hurry

July 1, 2013February 5, 20142 Comments

A few months ago I went to Legoland with my husband and our three sons. As you approach the entrance there is a large display that reads “Legoland” made from of course Legos.

This is a great place to take a quick photo but for anyone that has three children four and under you know snapping a good shot is anything but quick. The children wanted to look at the Legos, touch the Legos and play on them. Not stand still for a photo.

Entrance of Legoland Deutschland (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I found myself hurrying them along and as the line got longer with others wanting to take a family shot the pressure to go faster intensified.

“Hurry,” I said behind my squinting smile.

Just an hour later we were in the back of the park and I was standing near a ride’s entrance behind a stroller where my Caleb was napping while the big boys and Michael enjoyed a boat ride.

I am an observer so as the time passed I was watched everyone and everything around me.

I observed a group of school aged children on a field trip playing with one of the Lego structures. They were just being kids and having fun but I could tell their teacher was annoyed. There were others waiting for their turn as well.

“Hurry,” she said.

Of course my initial reaction was self-righteous, how could she rush them along like that? They are just enjoying themselves and not hurting anyone.

But then The Lord humbled me and helped me recall my similar reaction at the front entrance with my own children.

I began to think about the question, why hurry?

We are always in a hurry.

Hurry, get you shoes on.

Hurry, get in the car.

Hurry, stop lolly gagging.

Hurry, it’s time to go.

Hurry, download faster.

Hurry, I don’t have time for red lights or a traffic jam.

As I listened to myself for the next couple of weeks I found that I was always rushing my kids along. I began to wonder if I was causing my kids to miss out on opportunities to just be kids and enjoy the moments of curious childhood.

Not to mention all the stress I am causing myself by living in this state of go, go, go. My poor tiny heart is on the verge of exploding.

With summer here (and blazing hot if I can just add that one too) in the Midwest it seems as though there is an impulse reaction to sign your kids up for every program you can. I don’t know if it is pressure to keep them learning or parents just needing to keep them in a routine.

There is the pressure to keep up and to hurry.

Summers seem to have become the busiest time of the year. With trips, camps and programs it is hard to slow down and it seems to be more difficult to track down my friends.

I thought summer was supposed to be about rest. A season of siesta.

I remember summers when I was younger: laying in the grass and making whistles out the green blades, catching lightning bugs, sleeping in the backyard, letting your bare feet withstand the hot pavement as long as you can, soaking up the sun at the pool or just laying around watching movies and reading books.

Now with all the hurry summer seems to move by more quickly than the rest of the year which leaves little time to enjoy the season.

Hot Summer Nights Fireworks in Myrtle Beach, SC (Photo credit: Jason Barnette Photography)

So what?

I don’t know. But I don’t think it is a good thing that summer has gotten so busy because I am in such a hurry to keep my kids in a routine.

I have been thinking about the verse, Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted among the earth.

I can feel God telling me, Rachel, be still at the amusement park. I am in control and not the crowd of people surrounding you.

Rachel, let your spirit be still when you are running a little late.Have I not written this story down? Is the pressure to have all three children to their classes on time outside of my doing?

Rachel, be still this summer. Your children will survive if they don’t keep up with their reading and bible verses. I am in control of them too. I hold them in my hand.

I don’t know the answer to my question, why hurry but I can tell you what I am trying to stop all the hurry and work harder to be still.

Schedule lazy days into your routine.

I am trying to build more lazy days into my schedule. Somedays we just need to reset. We stay in our pajamas, build forts, play dress up and eat PB&J on a blanket in the backyard.

Bend the rules a little.

When you don’t have anywhere to be in the morning it is easier to feel okay about letting your kids stay up a little later to catch lightning bugs or go on a late night trip in their pajamas to grab some ice cream.

Watch when you say hurry.

I always found myself shooing my kids off the curbs at the zoo and our local amusement park. I have tried to stop rushing them along and just let them walk on the curb, at their own pace. It slows me down but within the boundaries of our day it allows them to have a little fun.

Don’t hurry, the summer will go by too quickly and it will be too cold for late night ice cream and back to backpacks and homework.

Make Serving More Simple

March 25, 2013July 27, 20151 Comment

Years ago I remember seeing the emails in my inbox from our church about providing meals for members of my church family. Back then, a small wave of panic would was over me.

I wanted to serve but the task of adding something to my already full plate left me feeling overwhelmed. My worst enemy (me) would justify my reasons not to sign up. I would tell myself things like: You are not the best cook and you are just too busy.

Years have passed from those days of insecurity and self justification and I now have had four c-sections in under a five year period.

I now know the great blessing of a homemade meal to a mother in need.

Over the years I have not transformed into Ina Garten and with four littles I am busier than ever but I have realized that the needs of a new mother or a sick mother are greater than my insecurites about my cooking or how busy I think I am.

Here is what is working for me.

I cook what I know. I have a recipe for chicken salad and I can make it in my sleep. It is easy and delicious, filled with fruit and our family can eat it for days on sandwich rolls, tortillas or crackers.

I cook what I can double or even triple. My family has to eat too so I just double the recipe and divide the chicken salad into two family sized portions. If there are two families in our church needing meals I always sign up to bring them meals on the same day. If I can double the recipe it is no big deal to triple it either.

I never ask for anything back. If you have ever been a new mom you know the details of thank you notes and returning items from church brought meals seem to only cross your mind during the middle of the night while you are awake with a newborn.

I have been a new mom too so I include a “no thank you note” disclaimer. The omission of the thank you note and the freedom to not worry about returning my Tupperware become part of the gift. I believe new moms should take the time spent on writing me a thank you note either holding their new precious babe, surviving or sleeping.

I have recently drafted this little note to attach to my “meal bags”

Upon eating this food you are agreeing to the following terms.

You will not return any returnable items in this bag or the bag itself but instead pay it forward by reusing the items next time you bring someone a meal.

You may absolutely not write a thank you note. This gift is an expression of me using my gifts for the glory of God. Instead of a note thank God in your prayers tonight. Thank you notes praise (wo)men, prayers praise the Only One worthy of praise.

If you love it, steal it!

Make serving others more simple. The needs of a new mother or a sick friend are so much greater than our (sometimes) perfectionist expectations.

Take Off Your Cape

March 4, 2013March 28, 20142 Comments

Most of the time I am really full of myself and I have my superhero moments:

I am a mom, I am a woman, I can take it all on.

Today was one of those days. I am on two different antibiotics and three over the counters but hey, the show must go on. My boys have their first swimming lessons and I am not going to let my wimpy immune system get in the way.

I tie the cape around my neck and head out the door.

As always, I am squeaking into the community center parking lot right on time. Not a minute to spare. I like the drama of cutting it close.

We prayed and prayed for a parking spot. I saw some tail lights come on but another aggressive mom swooped in with a suburban, put her blinker on and gave me the evil eye.

Okay, you take the spot, I have my cape, bring it on.

I pull onto the curb and unload. It is raining and 40 degrees and my two year old lays down on the curb and cries, he wants me to hold him.

In cape mode I pull him along tears and all.

I literally pushed my toddler in with my foot as I was holding the heavy door with one hand and holding my baby in the other.

I am so consumed with myself, my cape and my ability to do it all despite my kryptonite illness; I hand my traumatized toddler to the girls in childcare and swoop onto swimming lessons.

The cape has covered up my ability to see the damage I am actually causing.

My oldest got to his lesson and I had to quickly head back out to the parking lot to legally park in a space. On my way back to the gym my heart was heavy.

As I slowed down the tie around my neck from the cape started to come undone.

My poor toddler. How traumatic to be frantically dragged into the childcare at the community center?

With the cape off I took the time to stop in and scoop up the sweet boy.

With the cape off I could see my need for repentance; to say I am sorry for kicking him through the door and into the arms of strangers.

In light of eternity, taking a minute to console my toddler is much more kingdom worthy than being punctual for a swimming lesson.

Finally poolside and I finally caught my oldest son’s eyes in the chaos of this morning.

He was sobbing.

With the superhero cape on and all the swooping, I officially damaged two of my children.

In my attempts to be a superhero I actually failed both the children I was trying to impress by getting them to their lesson on time.

My oldest left the pool and clung to me. Through his sobs he said, “Mommy, you left me and I couldn’t see you. I was scared.”

I did leave him. It was my fault. With the cape on I couldn’t see the effects of my superhero behavior. The cape was covering up the damage I was actually causing.

In light of eternity, being punctual for swimming lessons is not that important.

Sometimes when our intentions are good, when as moms we are trying to do what we think is the right thing for our kids, we actually hurt them in the process.

I was a disaster to my boys this morning all for the sake of swooping into a swimming lesson on time.

My superhero intentions were harmful.

The real superhero moments happened when I removed the cape. When I forgot about saving the day I was able to find that my kryptonite was actually inside of me.

“His power is made perfect in weakness. His grace is sufficient for me.”

The superhero moments of the gospel are the opportunities to cling to the fact that His grace is sufficient.

I am weak. I can’t hide behind the cape. God does not expect that of me.

When I untie the cape I can see His grace is sufficient for me.