The Tremor Of Her

April 8, 2014September 22, 201610 Comments

I miss her.

Every day.

Every moment.

When I see my sons holding my baby daughter’s face in their little toddler hands – When I am holding a grudge against my husband and digging my heels in the sand because I am right about where that couch should go and he is wrong- I miss her.

Recently I have noticed little ways of how I seem to be becoming more and more like her. How even though she is gone I can feel the tremor of her in my moments. Every day.

Lately I have found myself saying and doing things the same way she used to. When you are younger you never think you will become your mother. But you do.

Her voice tremors through mine even when I least expect it.

Even though I miss her, I believe she lives on in me and I am thankful to be able to share her wise and crazy quirks with my sons and my daughter with hopes they will someday feel the tremor of her in their stories as well.

That secret stash of chocolates I have in my pantry reminds me of her. She used to hide snickers bars in the freezer.

She used to sing “another one bites the dust” when one of my siblings fell asleep. When I was a child I thought this was a cruel way to respond to your babes falling asleep but now I find myself bom-bom-bomming along to that same tune as my children nod off in the evening.

The words, “I’ll give you something to cry about” have come out of my mouth when my children are crying because they can’t find their eyebrows or their bath time is too wet. Again, cruel words I swore I would never say now make a completely acceptable and appropriate phrase to pass on to my children.

I have dinner on the table almost every night at 6pm on the dot. This annoyed me as a child but now it is a part of the rhythm and routine of my daily life.

I feel the tremor of her when I make her poppyseed bread at Christmas.

I feel the tremor of her when I huddle all my kids and my husband together for a “hunga bunga” which is a completely embarrassing group hug where the whole family jumps up and down while chanting “hunga bunga.”

I play rummy like her and taught my husband. I despise cooking and do anything I can to make it as easy as possible.

Every birthday party is special for my kids just like she made birthdays special for me.

I am grateful for a season where I can move beyond the feelings of sadness and anger that go along with my grief. In the seasons of sadness and anger it is too hard to find the simple and joyful ways how the fourteen years I had with her have impacted me for a lifetime.

I know through the years the Lord will continue to reveal more ways of how she is a significant part of my story.

I am thankful my children can experience their grandmother through the simple ways she lives on through me and I pray even though they never knew her my kids will feel the tremor of her in their stories for years to come and maybe years from now they will bom bom bom along as their own children “bite the dust” for the evening.

My mom lost her seven year battle with breast cancer sixteen years ago this week. If you have a memory of her please share it here in the comments. I know it would bless my siblings and I greatly to hear about more joyful memories of her and you might help us discover more ways we can feel the tremor of her in our lives as adults.

I Hope You Don’t Find Perfect Love…

February 26, 2014March 1, 20145 Comments

As a young woman I saw perfect loves in the movies and heard of perfect love stories in ballads on my radio in my hatchback manual Saab.

The idea of a perfect love brainwashed me into thinking all my relationships would be saturated with whisk-me-away-romantic moments. I really at my core believed if I ever had a dispute with one of the men in my life it would only be moments before they would show up on my doorstep (in the rain of course) with an I’m-sorry-bouquet of flowers.

And that NEVER happened.

Darn love stories.

Darn love songs.

In a way I was disappointed.

My expectations gave me a twisted view of myself and others.

I was naive. My expectations for this so called perfect love ruined any relationship I ever had.

How could any of my boyfriends ever have competed with the image I had in my head-comparing them to a soaked and sexy Ryan Gosling on my front doorstep with a drippy bouquet of flowers and begging of my forgiveness?

What I was seeing on the screen and hearing on the radio built up my expectations for perfect love and left me waiting in my home for ‘no one’ soaking wet with a bouquet of hydrangeas at my front door.

I was left questioning all the moves of my significant others. If my boyfriends couldn’t execute love like in the movies and the characters I compared them to I became suspicious of men…suspicious of perfect love… I became suspicious of myself.

I began to believe lies that I just wasn’t good enough for a perfect love and believed that maybe I didn’t deserve love at all.

The combination of all of the above became very dangerous for me and like a ticking time bomb my expectations literally blew up every relationship I had.

I would like to point the finger at culture and the misrepresentation of perfect love on the radio and displayed on the screens we hold in our hands.

However, I think the real person to blame is me and how I visualized love as being perfect right from the beginning.

Perfect:

: having no mistakes or flaws

: completely correct or accurate

: having all the qualities you want in that kind of person, situation, etc.

Anyone really in a loving and committed relationship knows that love is not perfect at all.

How can love be perfect when the two people in love are not perfect themselves?

As a Christian, I believe that on this side of heaven I will never be perfect. I believe that my self absorption, my bitterness with others, my desire to be righteous like God is all so bad that it requires the penalty of Jesus’ dying on the cross in order for me to be right with God.

I believe in a gospel, the good news, that on this earth I will never be perfect but I am loved by my God – even with

my imperfections.

I am in process.

I am perfectly imperfect.

Actually I am perfecting.

perfecting: in process of becoming perfect or coming to completion

What I know now is in real life love is not perfect. Love on earth between two people is full of mistakes and blemishes. Love on earth is two flawed people choosing to live and love all the imperfections of one another.

There is a misconception of love in our culture. The idea of perfect love is not only on our screens and radios but it breeds in our expectant minds it is spewing out of our lips.

“Oh, he is perfect” or “You are the perfect couple”.

Sure the idea of perfect love is in the movies but we are perpetuating it with our words.

Loving relationships are not perfect. They are perfecting. Love is the perfect moments mixed in with the refining – imperfect ones. I can tell you with certainty I love my husband more now than I did when I met him. Sure he was charming back then and always on his best behavior but in perfecting love I get to be alongside him as he grows and changes into the better verison of who God is making him to be.

Perfecting love can be tough.

Perfecting love is a love that grows.

Perfecting love goes through seasons of giddiness, gladness, anger, sadness.

Perfecting love experiences disappointment.

Perfecting love dwells in the colder seasons knowing that a new season will come.

Perfecting love makes us better men and women as we walk alongside one another and experience a front row seat in the perfecting process of one another.

Truth connection:

I want you to go back to that image of Ryan Gosling soaking wet at your front door with a bouquet of flowers. (Hard to go there I know)

I want you to know it is right to desire this kind of perfect love where from the beginning you are sought after and constantly pursued with a never giving up always and forever kind of love.

I want you to know this kind of love exists but we look for it in a man on earth when this never giving up always and forever kind of pursuing love is actually found in God.

Perfect love is only found when we find it nailed to a cross. Crazy I know but true. The idea of a man loving you so much that he would die for you originated with God. We are hard wired to long for perfect love. You just won’t find it in a boyfriend, fiancé or spouse.

I hope you never find perfect love in any earthly man. I wish you will find perfecting love. The kind of love committed to the process of you being made perfect over a lifetime of some of the coldest and warmest seasons.

And I hope you do not find perfect love anywhere else but on a cross – where a God that loves you so much He died for you. He pursued you. He is still pursing you. He is where you find the man soaking wet on your doorstep pursing you with a never giving up always and forever kind of love.

I hope you don’t find perfect love in anything else but Him.

Romans 5:8

But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us.

Don’t Give Me Diamonds

February 12, 2014February 12, 20147 Comments

We got engaged on Valentine’s Day and you gave me a diamond. That was eight years ago.

In eight years we have lived in three cities, had four different jobs, one master’s degree and four kids.

Eight years ago on that night I imagined Prince Charming and Cinderella. Gazing and frolicking into eternity. I knew the words from 1 Corinthians 13 but I had no idea what they meant.

Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails.

This Valentine’s Day eight years later, I have learned that love is so much more precious than diamonds. Sweeter than candy. More beautiful than a bouquet of radiant red roses.

Love is a choice. Built on hard work and moments together that are not as “frolicky” and glamorous as I thought they might be.

Eight years later I am thankful that we have chosen to love in all of our moments, the good and the bad. We have persevered through the pressure cooker of four kids in less than five years. We have built a life together.

We have moments more important than diamonds.

This Valentine’s Day I don’t want the diamonds or the gifts. I just want you.

I want your time and your laugh.

I want you holding our baby daughter late at night.

I want you leaning over the twin sized bed in our son’s room; teaching him the Doxology and explaining what the word “faith” means.

I want you to swim with our sons and toss them around in the water.

I want you in the driver’s seat of our minivan when the sunlight hits your graying temples and I can see how our moments together have aged you.

I want you in the good and the bad. Even when I make you crazy mad and upset with me.

I want you to love me in this postpartum mess of emotions and elastic pants.

I want your patience, kindness and faithfulness even when I don’t deserve it.

I want your southern smile when I ask you to take a trash bag of stinky diapers outside in the polar vortex and ice and snow.

After eight years I don’t want the diamonds or the flowers or chocolates. I just want the moments.

Not the frolicky. Not the glamorous.

The kissing before we’ve brushed our teeth with four kids in between us moments.

The love is patient, love is kind moments of everyday life.

The moments when we go on a date in our sweatpants because we are too tired to get dressed.

The moments that prove we have chosen love. We have chosen one another. We have persevered through the good and the bad.

That is an always and forever kind of love.

Please this Valentine’s Day, I just want you. I want you next to me even if it’s in our sweatpants on the couch with a bag of Kirkland popcorn.

No diamonds. Just you. Just the way you are. With your graying temples and my more rounded hips.

Continue to just give me the moments. It is not in the frolicking or the glamor but in the real moments of our life together when I experience the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love.

4 Tools For Your Parenting Survival Kit

September 18, 2013February 5, 20143 Comments

I have pretty much seen just about everything a toddler can get into. Not too long ago I was prepping my meals for the week when my one year old walked into the kitchen with a battery in his mouth and my two year old had figured out how to get his head in the oven behind my back. Thank goodness the oven was not turned on.

I am also very certain that the water on my toddler’s toothbrush yesterday was from the toilet instead of the sink.

So what should I do? Hop on my phone and google the horrors that might occur from drinking a little toilet water or look up other horror stories about babies and batteries?

#1 I try to find the humor in the chaos.

The things that happen around the house on a normal day can actually be quite comical.

I get peed on and my freshly washed hair, that I hadn’t taken the time to wash in three days, gets chunky throw up in it almost right after I finish with the straightener and my four year old has found a new love for peeing in a cup and handing it to me ever since he took a visit with me to my OB GYN.

I could get really angry about the vomit and the batteries or whine about the fact that there is actual urine in the cups I drink out of but what good does that really do? The anger and whining and the horror stories of the Internet just breed anxiety and frustration.

So I try to find the humor in the chaos.

I choose to find the comic relief behind the situations that do not seem to go my way.

#2 Don’t jump at every single opportunity to correct you kids.

If I corrected every wiggle, every spill and every selfish moment I would be correcting my kids every second of the day. Sometimes you need to just let them be kids and figure it out on their own.

I am trying to learn to correct my boys if they are causing serious danger to themselves or others or if there is direct defiance towards me.

You know the sayings:

Choose your battles.

Don’t major on the minors.

Pick one or maybe two things that you are going to work on with you kids and correct only those behaviors. You will find rest and peace when your whole day is not spent bickering at your children.

#3 Don’t freak out.

Imagine you’re in trouble, let’s say trapped in a burning house, and the first responders find you and start freaking out.

“Oh, my… What did you do? How did you do this? What were you thinking? This is terrible! This is the worst burning house I have ever seen.”

I would die from anxiety if first responders were not trained to remained calm.

Try to remain calm when your kid falls off the couch or gets their fingers pinched in the door. It happens to pretty much everyone. Your fretting and worry only makes the situation worse.

You are their first responder. Remain calm for your child and don’t add to their anxiety.

Just breathe and don’t freak out.

I have sent my oldest son into a frantic tantrum when one of my other children pooped in the bathtub. Because I was anxious he was balled up on the floor hyperventilating in the fetal position because poopy water touched his body.

I have scarred him for life because I was a poor first responder.

Remain calm.

#4 Be flexible and be nice to yourself.

My kids have been known to put themselves to bed and my 20 month old never forgets to tell me that 8am is “breakfast time.” Like clockwork we eat, sleep and play but I have learned that the needs of my children are more important than my routine.

Some of my four year old’s best memories include times like when we skipped the zoo and ate our breakfast on a blanket while watching Cars movie.

If you have planned a big day out but everyone is melting down because they are tired from a long weekend, stay home instead. If maybe you are just too tired to get out the play doh and finger paints on craft day, skip the crafts and go outside instead.

Be nice to yourself. Experiencing story time or another finger painting activity is not worth the thirty minutes of torturous tantrums from kids or mommy. It is more important if everyone is emotionally and physically rested than getting through that structured activity you had planned.

Be flexible and be nice to yourself.

It’s simple really. Breathe and relax there is grace for you, grace for your children and grace for this day. His mercies are abundant and never ending.

Find the laughter in the chaos.

Don’t correct every little thing.

Be a good first responder.

Be flexible and be nice to yourself.

How Saying No Is Leading Me To More Yes

September 11, 2013March 13, 20151 Comment

If you have happened to cross my path in the last ten years you might have seen a whirling tornado of lists and calendars and book studies swoop by you. For the past decade I have immersed myself in busyness; being involved help me feel in control and together.

The more involved I was in activities on campus, at work or in the church the more I felt in control of my moment by moment. If I planned out every second there were no surprises and I kind of like it that way.

My involvement in just about everything not only gave me control of my moment by moment but it also gave me significance.

“Doing” has become a god for me and little by little I have found myself finding my ultimate significance in my successes and failures.

Just to give you a small picture of what this tornado of lists and calendars and books studies looks like- here are a few of the things I said yes to last year.

My God
My marriage
My three sons aged 3, 2 and 1
Women’s bible study
A mentoring opportunity with an older woman
Leading a discipleship group of 15 faithful and godly young women
One on one discipleship with a sweet friend
Teaching Sunday School to preschoolers
Classroom Coordinator at Preschool
Women’s Retreat Planning Leadership Team
Trained for a half marathon
Started a blog

Okay, seriously, right? I know it looks crazy but once you sit down and write all the things down that you commit yourself to in a year it can look overwhelming.

I know you probably do just as much as I do.

So what?

Well, I have a distorted view of myself and my gospel. I have made my involvement big and my God small. My pendulum swings too hard when I rise and fall.

I want to be steady when the waves come and still be steady even if the waves don’t come at all.

This year I am saying no to all of it- obviously with the exception of the first three: My God, my marriage and my sons.

This was so hard especially when there was a ministry fair at our church and I could see myself walking down to the rows of tables and writing my name on every sign up sheet.

Or when I am not really sure if there will be someone to step in and lead this group of fifteen faithful young women and I love them and want them to continue to grow in the knowledge of God.

It is tempting for me to get involved. To be in control. To have my hands holding up the world instead of letting go and trusting that it is God who holds up the world.

So I am saying no.

So I am going to stop doing.

I am going to make myself small so God can be big.

It seems both insane and lazy to me but I really think believing the gospel for me this year requires me to let go of everything and trust in the One Who is before all things and in Whom (not in Rachel) all things hold together. (Colossians 1:16)

Saying no will be a step of faith- to trust that I don’t keep my world from spinning around and I am not in control of my moment by moment.

Saying no will help me see that I do not begin and end any ministry. It is only the Alpha and Omega Who is the beginning and the end.

This year I hope saying no will allow me to say yes.

Yes to my big God who is pleased with me when my name isn’t on any sign up sheets.

Yes to my husband who is most likely tired of receiving leftovers from me because I am giving my best to everyone else and yes to more date nights.

Yes to my sons. Less putting them to bed early so I can lead a bible study or dragging them to nursery care so I can be involved in women’s bible study. Yes to their spiritual health and family devotional times around our kitchen table. Yes to discipline that is consistent and loving instead of exhausted and impatient.

Yes to my daughter arriving in December and yes to enjoying my last round of late nights feeding her and caring for her.

Yes to being available to be a better friend.

This year I feel a call to be still. (Psalm 46:10)

I am making myself small and trying to break the cistern.

I can already hear a loud exhale as I stop trying to hold up my world. Stopping everything is leading me to see Christ more clearly and giving me freedom to say yes to the most important things God has given to me.

My sweet family

You can pray for me as I take on this “year of just saying no.” Sneaky and tempting opportunities to get involved will be coming my way like wolves in sheep’s clothing.

You can also make a list of all the things you say yes to in a calendar year. Where is God calling you to make yourself small so you can see that He is big?

Please share this on Facebook and Twitter with your friends. Maybe someone else out there needs to hear that God is pleased with them even when their name is not on a sign up sheet.

He holds up the world- not us.