I miss her.
When I see my sons holding my baby daughter’s face in their little toddler hands – When I am holding a grudge against my husband and digging my heels in the sand because I am right about where that couch should go and he is wrong- I miss her.
Recently I have noticed little ways of how I seem to be becoming more and more like her. How even though she is gone I can feel the tremor of her in my moments. Every day.
Lately I have found myself saying and doing things the same way she used to. When you are younger you never think you will become your mother. But you do.
Her voice tremors through mine even when I least expect it.
Even though I miss her, I believe she lives on in me and I am thankful to be able to share her wise and crazy quirks with my sons and my daughter with hopes they will someday feel the tremor of her in their stories as well.
That secret stash of chocolates I have in my pantry reminds me of her. She used to hide snickers bars in the freezer.
She used to sing “another one bites the dust” when one of my siblings fell asleep. When I was a child I thought this was a cruel way to respond to your babes falling asleep but now I find myself bom-bom-bomming along to that same tune as my children nod off in the evening.
The words, “I’ll give you something to cry about” have come out of my mouth when my children are crying because they can’t find their eyebrows or their bath time is too wet. Again, cruel words I swore I would never say now make a completely acceptable and appropriate phrase to pass on to my children.
I have dinner on the table almost every night at 6pm on the dot. This annoyed me as a child but now it is a part of the rhythm and routine of my daily life.
I feel the tremor of her when I make her poppyseed bread at Christmas.
I feel the tremor of her when I huddle all my kids and my husband together for a “hunga bunga” which is a completely embarrassing group hug where the whole family jumps up and down while chanting “hunga bunga.”
I play rummy like her and taught my husband. I despise cooking and do anything I can to make it as easy as possible.
Every birthday party is special for my kids just like she made birthdays special for me.
I am grateful for a season where I can move beyond the feelings of sadness and anger that go along with my grief. In the seasons of sadness and anger it is too hard to find the simple and joyful ways how the fourteen years I had with her have impacted me for a lifetime.
I know through the years the Lord will continue to reveal more ways of how she is a significant part of my story.
I am thankful my children can experience their grandmother through the simple ways she lives on through me and I pray even though they never knew her my kids will feel the tremor of her in their stories for years to come and maybe years from now they will bom bom bom along as their own children “bite the dust” for the evening.
My mom lost her seven year battle with breast cancer sixteen years ago this week. If you have a memory of her please share it here in the comments. I know it would bless my siblings and I greatly to hear about more joyful memories of her and you might help us discover more ways we can feel the tremor of her in our lives as adults.
10 thoughts on “The Tremor Of Her”
Made me cry. So beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thinking of you. Love you!
So beautiful . I too am so sorry. May your Mom’s memory live strong in your heart and mind.
I love how you remember and honor you mom. Shelley was such a special lady – we admired her sharp wit, love of life and willingness to give 110% of herself in every situation. I remember her in our elementary classes, sharing adjoining rooms for dance competition weekends (the halftime show & Wizard of Oz seem to stand out), and OM practice sessions around your kitchen table. We had a lot of fun and she was a lot of fun. I’m praying for more warm memories and God’s peace for your family.
Gives me “boosegumps” as my mother would say! I love that you have these blessed “tremors” for they are so very special. I am 66 and just lost my mother of 98 a bit over a year ago. Just tonight, as I listened to something my husband said that many me chuckle, I heard my mother in that little laughter. Tomorrow, Mama would have been 100. She had a long life and I am remembering my Mama this week in sweet, tearful, and loving ways. May God hold you lovingly as you remember your special mother.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
I remember your mom as always be happy and energetic. My mom had told me that she was sick and I remember thinking that she didn’t act sick at all. She was a really cool lady. Great post!
I remember when I first started ‘re-dating’ Bruce. I was at his condo over the weekend, he was at work, and Shelley called. I had met her perhaps twice before, about 5 years earlier when first dating your uncle, but no matter. I had answered the phone and she just started chatting. She had me laughing, I was on the phone with her for at least a half hour. The subsequent meet the family at the holidays were so much less nervewracking after that.
I remember Jenni saying Mom ,my new friend Rachel’s mom is from N.J. & her dad is from Pa, just like you & Dad! Can I go over to her house? I think we bonded right away.
Shelley was so full of life. She had eyes that sparkled & a mischievous smile that immediately drew you in. She always had a funny story to tell. We spent hours on the phone laughing.
She was so organized. Dinner was always on time. I wish I had been able to do that. Even when she wasn’t feeling well she would make plans for her family while she was in the hospital.
She did more while she was sick than most do healthy. I remember her taking Phillip rock climbing. She planned birthday parties & special activities for her kids. She was very proud of each of you.
I was devastated when she passed away but was so lucky to have had her as a friend.
She would have loved being a grandmother. I am so glad that you feel the tremor of her in your every day lives. I,m sure that she is smiling down on each of you. You couldn’t ask for a more wonderful gaurdian angel. .
Crying, thank you for writing this. I miss you and am ready to come to DLM to see you whenever you are ready for me!
My favorite childhood memories are with the Button family. Running around the neighborhood and traveling. Thanks for always letting me tag along with you.