Why The Twos Aren’t Terrible

August 14, 2013June 22, 20167 Comments

I cringe every time I hear someone say the phrase.

It’s like anticipating a great meal at a restaurant and someone tells you, oh… but it’s terrible. Or the movie you’ve waited to see all year gets a terrible review and you read it right after purchasing your ticket.

Hearing the phrase “terrible twos” can be a major let down. It sets young mothers up to anticipate a year of pure horror. I cringe when I hear a more experienced mom telling a newer mom these words. It makes moms look at the year of two through a lens of negativity, anticipating the worst.

Now in all seriousness, I am a realist and I don’t live in on a fluffy cloud of sparkles with rainbows and unicorns. My children are just like all other children. They throw tantrums and disobey my voice. My children are opinionated, strong willed and have been found to lay face down on the floor crying during church. But my children are far from terrible.

My oldest is four and a half and my second born turns three in a few days. I am not an expert but I have recently lived through two (almost) consecutive years of life with a two year old (I have a twenty one month old as well so I am on the brink of another stab at it).

And I will say it. The twos aren’t terrible at all and I really wish I would stop hearing the bummer phrase. I am really on a mission to stop the phrase all together.

The year of two should be called “The Passionate Twos” instead.

Okay, so the alliteration is not there but the terrible defined is: to cause great fear or alarm or even dreadful.

In contrast, passionate defined is: capable of having or dominated by powerful emotions.

Have you ever looked at a two year old and sensed great fear?

I don’t sense great fear looking at that baby face.

But The Passionate Two Year Old is very capable of having powerful emotions (like: laying face down on the floor and crying their sweet little eyes out).

They cry big but the laugh big and love big too.

The Passionate Two Year Old is learning to express what they want.

Instead of a “grown up” nonchalant eye roll or deep sigh, twos only know how to lay on the floor and cry.

And I don’t blame them either. A two year old does not yet have the social cues to know that it is unacceptable to lay on the floor and cry and a two year old has not quite learned how to deal with disappointment because they have experienced very few disappointing circumstances in their short seven hundred and thirtyish days of living.

Really, since birth a two year old has (pretty much) gotten what they needed when they needed it.

Diaper changes, food, sleep and playtime and then when their little brains start thinking in their own way and hear the word “no” we as adults have decided to call the The Passionate Two Year Old, being dominated by intense emotion, terrible or dreadful.

Why do we do that? And why do we then feel like we are important enough to turn around and let younger moms know “what is coming.”

How could this be terrible?

How could someone who wants to “be cozy with you” be terrible?

How could someone who builds a tall tower for the first time and says, “I did it mommy” be terrible?

Two year olds go through so much change and we should give them more credit. Their ability to speak and reason change dramatically in their second year and most two year olds change to a toddler bed, get a new sibling, give up their pacifiers and learn how to use the potty in the year of two.

That is an enormous amount of change for a little one.

As adults we ask two year olds to cope with so much and then gasp when they express intense emotion.

I think two year olds are pretty amazing.

Curious.

And sweet.

But just because they are passionate does not make them terrible at all.

If you are expecting, have an infant or a one year old please know what is coming next is not terrible, dreadful or a year of intense fear.

The year of two is teaching your precious, sweet, curious child to deal with their intense emotions they are experiencing for the first time like disappointment, jealousy, envy and loss. (I honestly know many adults well into their thirties who don’t handle any of those emotions very well yet.)

The year of two is filled with some of the best story times, longest snuggles, I love you mommys, first sweet thankful prayers, bear hugs, imaginative play and curiosity that cannot be harnessed.

Advocate for your Passionate Two Year Old and stop saying “Terrible Twos!”

Sheesh, two year olds are not terrible at all.

Happy Birthday Sweet Asher, your passion, sweetness and curiosity have inspired this post and made me a better mommy.

Hurry

July 1, 2013February 5, 20142 Comments

A few months ago I went to Legoland with my husband and our three sons. As you approach the entrance there is a large display that reads “Legoland” made from of course Legos.

This is a great place to take a quick photo but for anyone that has three children four and under you know snapping a good shot is anything but quick. The children wanted to look at the Legos, touch the Legos and play on them. Not stand still for a photo.

Entrance of Legoland Deutschland (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I found myself hurrying them along and as the line got longer with others wanting to take a family shot the pressure to go faster intensified.

“Hurry,” I said behind my squinting smile.

Just an hour later we were in the back of the park and I was standing near a ride’s entrance behind a stroller where my Caleb was napping while the big boys and Michael enjoyed a boat ride.

I am an observer so as the time passed I was watched everyone and everything around me.

I observed a group of school aged children on a field trip playing with one of the Lego structures. They were just being kids and having fun but I could tell their teacher was annoyed. There were others waiting for their turn as well.

“Hurry,” she said.

Of course my initial reaction was self-righteous, how could she rush them along like that? They are just enjoying themselves and not hurting anyone.

But then The Lord humbled me and helped me recall my similar reaction at the front entrance with my own children.

I began to think about the question, why hurry?

We are always in a hurry.

Hurry, get you shoes on.

Hurry, get in the car.

Hurry, stop lolly gagging.

Hurry, it’s time to go.

Hurry, download faster.

Hurry, I don’t have time for red lights or a traffic jam.

As I listened to myself for the next couple of weeks I found that I was always rushing my kids along. I began to wonder if I was causing my kids to miss out on opportunities to just be kids and enjoy the moments of curious childhood.

Not to mention all the stress I am causing myself by living in this state of go, go, go. My poor tiny heart is on the verge of exploding.

With summer here (and blazing hot if I can just add that one too) in the Midwest it seems as though there is an impulse reaction to sign your kids up for every program you can. I don’t know if it is pressure to keep them learning or parents just needing to keep them in a routine.

There is the pressure to keep up and to hurry.

Summers seem to have become the busiest time of the year. With trips, camps and programs it is hard to slow down and it seems to be more difficult to track down my friends.

I thought summer was supposed to be about rest. A season of siesta.

I remember summers when I was younger: laying in the grass and making whistles out the green blades, catching lightning bugs, sleeping in the backyard, letting your bare feet withstand the hot pavement as long as you can, soaking up the sun at the pool or just laying around watching movies and reading books.

Now with all the hurry summer seems to move by more quickly than the rest of the year which leaves little time to enjoy the season.

Hot Summer Nights Fireworks in Myrtle Beach, SC (Photo credit: Jason Barnette Photography)

So what?

I don’t know. But I don’t think it is a good thing that summer has gotten so busy because I am in such a hurry to keep my kids in a routine.

I have been thinking about the verse, Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted among the earth.

I can feel God telling me, Rachel, be still at the amusement park. I am in control and not the crowd of people surrounding you.

Rachel, let your spirit be still when you are running a little late.Have I not written this story down? Is the pressure to have all three children to their classes on time outside of my doing?

Rachel, be still this summer. Your children will survive if they don’t keep up with their reading and bible verses. I am in control of them too. I hold them in my hand.

I don’t know the answer to my question, why hurry but I can tell you what I am trying to stop all the hurry and work harder to be still.

Schedule lazy days into your routine.

I am trying to build more lazy days into my schedule. Somedays we just need to reset. We stay in our pajamas, build forts, play dress up and eat PB&J on a blanket in the backyard.

Bend the rules a little.

When you don’t have anywhere to be in the morning it is easier to feel okay about letting your kids stay up a little later to catch lightning bugs or go on a late night trip in their pajamas to grab some ice cream.

Watch when you say hurry.

I always found myself shooing my kids off the curbs at the zoo and our local amusement park. I have tried to stop rushing them along and just let them walk on the curb, at their own pace. It slows me down but within the boundaries of our day it allows them to have a little fun.

Don’t hurry, the summer will go by too quickly and it will be too cold for late night ice cream and back to backpacks and homework.

Redeeming Date Night

June 4, 2013February 5, 20142 Comments

Imagine a world where even through the exhausting years of pregnancy, breastfeeding every three hours and postpartum panties you never skipped a date night.

This world has not existed for my husband and me.

We skipped several date nights after our first son was born. Then it wasn’t long before we were back in the exhausting years of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and postpartum panties for the second time and then the third.

We were sitting across the dinner table from one another using octopus arms to shovel food into the mouth of babes, side by side parenting as mommy and daddy but not really connecting as husband and wife.

We made excuses.

Michael and I were actually spending lots of time together. We have family days and we eat supper together every night. We minister to couples and students together and we would both crash on the couch in front of the television most evenings after the kids went to bed.

BUT. We were not having fun together. We were not enjoying one another as often as we needed to.

Since February we have been on a mission to redeem date night. To find a night once a week where we can sit across the table from one another and leave our octopus shoveling arms at home.

Redeeming date night has been challenging. The first three weeks we fought because learning the new routine was tough on me. If you have ever prepared three small children and your home for a babysitter you know it can be challenging. The process of getting ready to head out the door was so stressful for me I was exhausted when we headed out the door.

There have been budget concerns. We do not have the kind of funds to go out every week and pay a sitter.

Luckily my husband is good a redefining expectations and being creative about date and babysitter planning.

The body of Christ has been so good to us and we have about three couples and a few young adults that have offered to give up their Friday nights to us at no charge.

We stretch the gift cards we have been given, we go to high school musical productions, we have been to see one of our friends sing and play piano with his band, and our Cincinnati Ballerina friend has given us some of her discounted tickets to the Ballet.

I have learned to give my husband a list five hours prior to leaving for a date with all of the things I “think” need to be done before leaving for the evening. My husband helps me divide up the list and I now can feel less exhausted when we head out the door.

Redeeming date night has been hard work. It seems like in the exhaustion of pregnancy, breastfeeding and postpartum panties we forgot how to go out together. But redemption is a process of recovery and restoration. Taking something that has been tarnished and restoring it back to the way it once was: before the years pregnancy, breastfeeding and postpartum panties.

Little by little date night will be redeemed and restored to the way it used to be.

Keep the conversation going…

How have you kept date night going in your home?

What are some creative budget saving ways you have discovered while redeeming your date nights?

Whatever Is Lovely…About My Husband

April 5, 2013February 5, 20143 Comments

My worst enemy seems to prodding at my husband lately. In my thought life I have found myself majoring on the minors and letting my toxic thoughts affect my relationship with him.

When I say it out loud it sounds silly.

The ice cream dish in the sink… what a monster.

The hanger left out from ironing his shirt…he can’t get it together.

The shaving cream in the sink…what a despicable man.

These are truly the things that ruffle my feathers about my husband; dirty dishes, hangers and shaving cream. The toxicity in my mind no matter how much I hate to admit it contaminates my relationship with my husband. Sometimes I am mad at him before he even gets home from work because I have let my mind fester on these minor imperfections.

My worst enemy wins when I don’t fight against negative thoughts about my husband.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

I saw an image of my husband from this past Easter Sunday. He is an important man and just like all the other men of our church he was in his blazer, dress pants and pressed shirt on Sunday morning. However, he was not in the worship service, he was in a small room across the hall with the preschool children.

He was singing songs with them and laying on the floor with them, in his fancy Sunday clothes. I don’t know many people who are truly joyful about serving with children on Easter Sunday but he is and I know for sure you would not find me laying on the ground in my Easter outfit being silly with the children.

These are the lovely images and thoughts about my husband I am working to focus my mind on. The humble man laying on the ground with the tiny worshippers of our church, the mountain top moments where I can see the whole picture of who God is making my husband to be in Christ.

Your worst enemy might be attacking your husband too. Or maybe your roommate, your parents or your children.

How can you give them more grace in your thought life? Can you find a mountain top moment to battle the little annoyances that might go through your mind throughout the day?

I am battling to give my husband more grace in my thought life. To focus on the lovely instead of the dishes, hangers and shaving cream. He deserves for me to see him as Christ sees him. The redeemed prince, on the floor in his suit, praising Jesus with the little children.

Conflict Resolution (onewiththepastor.com)
My Worst Enemy (onewiththepastor.com)

My Worst Enemy

March 13, 2013March 14, 20163 Comments

My worst enemy has said the following things to me today:

You are not welcomed.

You are an outsider.

You are a terrible mother.

You are not equipped to be the wife of a pastor.

I want to cut her out of my life because she is toxic. I let my worst enemy distort the way I see myself. I wish I could just stay away from her but all of these statements come from inside myself. I am my biggest obstacle in the Christian life. My thought life is my worst enemy.

In my thoughts I can turn body language into every reason why someone might have an issue with me. I can turn a quick glance into someone not being satisfied with the meal I sent over last week or into a criticism of my parenting.

It’s in my thought life that I can turn the hanger my husband didn’t put away into a reason why he doesn’t love me like Christ loved the church. I let my thoughts turn him into a thoughtless lazy monster instead of a busy pastor in a hurry out the door.

In my thought life I go down the road of over thinking and dissecting conversations to the point of remorse, guilt and regret. My thoughts tell me I talk too much and speak harshly. I seem to leave Bible study overly criticizing myself to the point of discouragement.

I let the poisonous thoughts rule over me and I cannot hear TRUTH. It’s only when I put the poisonous thoughts aside that I can truly hear the Word of God. The Truth of who I am in Christ from my Heavenly Father.

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5)
So I am on a mission to take my worst enemy captive. Every little poisonous thought is going down and being redressed in Truth. When I find myself going down the poisonous road I say…

If it is not noble…I am not thinking about it.

If it is not right, pure, lovely or admirable, I am not thinking about it. I will only think of the things that are excellent and praiseworthy.

I am LOVED. The hanger left out by my husband means nothing.

I am BEAUTIFUL. That glance was not even about me.

I am REDEEMED. My parenting is being renewed daily.

I am ACCEPTED. Even if that meal I sent was a little too salty or if I talk a little too much at Bible Study.

My worst enemy is going down. I am taking the poisonous thoughts captive and redressing them in the Truth. I am renewing my mind so I can see myself and others with the eyes of my Savior. I will fight to think of whatever is true and lovely.

I will defeat my worst enemy. With truth.