Sometimes It Feels Terrible

November 9, 2014November 12, 20143 Comments

In a few weeks I will be turning the corner from two to three with my third child.

Sometimes it feels terrible. Like today as I walked my sweet child into church, my husband’s place of business, and he shouted ” I am not a child of the Lord.” Over and over.

Sometimes it feels terrible to have a two year old.

The lines between baby and big kid are blurred.

They want to be independent but still need help at the same time.

It feels terrible and my heart aches for my littles at this stage. If it feels terrible for me, as a somewhat mature adult, I can only image how terrible it feels for a child who is crying face down on the ground.

Yes, they may be crying because they did not get to go to church naked or maybe you buckled their seat belt instead of them.

Mine likes to carry on if his blankets are not smoothed down in a particular way or the seams of his socks are not perfectly straight.

To us it feels ridiculous but their tears are telling you it is a big deal to them.

To this little human child in a big world there are things that are a big deal to them. It feels terrible to us but it is important to them.

I have been trying to be patient because it is my third time in this place of feeling terrible. I tried to leave extra time for my third son to buckle his own seatbelt without me getting flustered because I am worried about being late.

I try to understand him when his socks don’t feel right and his blankets are not straightened and tucked. (I am a tad more compassionate here because I am a similar particular human being.)

Sometimes it feels terrible to have this child, in between baby and big kid, carrying on about things that seem ridiculous to mature adults. I know.

I have walked in this three times. I have rolled my eyes. Raised my voice. I have lost my temper.

Even though it feels terrible and I think I know better, I still think we can be better as parents for our two year olds and beyond.

It feels terrible in this frustrating stage of parenting, but I think and I believe God is calling me to be better.

I believe God is calling me to grow as a parent instead of using the parachute of a passed on cliche.

Sometimes, parenting a two year old feels terrible however, I will not let my child conform to a cookie cutter cliche. I know that to God, my two year old matters. I know that to God, my two year old is important and I know that to God, the things that are important to my two year old are important to Him too.

I wish I wouldn’t let the cliche overshadow who my child is to God.

I wish in the moments of feeling terrible I would remember that God cares for me when I am losing my temper and crying on the floor about things that may seem ridiculous to Him.

I wish I could remember that even though it feels terrible to parent a two year old sometimes, I have a Father in heaven who is patient with me who could feel terrible about my tantrums but choses to love me instead. Just where I am.

Yes, having a two year old feels terrible. But maybe God is using this terrible stage to teach us to love others. Maybe God is showing us how He loves us when we are throwing ridiculous tantrums about things He knows are going to work out just fine.

Maybe God is calling us as parents to something better in the year of two.

Those precious babes are important to Him. And so are you.

Please read: Why The Twos Aren’t Terrible

A Letter To My Self-Righteous Self

November 8, 2014November 8, 2014Leave a comment

Hey You.

I know you.

I know your better than thou look, I know your better than thou pounding heart. When you become bothered by an opinion that is differing from your own.

I see you try to rise up in my heart. About parenting. About marriage. About church. About schooling. About theology.

The I’m doing this right vs. everyone else is doing this wrong.

Self-Righteous Self, you have no idea because you hear yourself louder than you hear Jesus.

I see you in the words scribbled in my Bible from years ago. You thought you knew. You thought the layers of sin had been pulled away. You thought some simple I’m sorry’s to God could erase the wounds to His heart and lead you on the path to heal others.

I see your posts on social media from years passed. You were so quick to defend and so quick to point out the mistakes of others. You were void of your own failures and your own personal mistakes.

I see you trying to come out when you try to post to defend on social media and your I’s and your We’s are bolded and your eyes of Christ are nowhere to be found.

I’m glad I’m a little beyond you now. Just a little. Not enough to overcome you but enough to recognize you on the hill standing above me, ready to overtake any will power I have left.

Self righteous self, you like to dominate me. Especially when I feel bravery behind a screen.

Especially when I hear my defensiveness and my prone to post articles in favor of my largest idols. I know you are screaming to overtake me from that high hill.

When I hear the advice I lend to others headlined with a “you are just like me” I know it is time to fight you ..with the sword of the Holy Spirit. You could never overtake me alone from where you are positioned.

I have been self-righteous in the past and I have a tendency to be self-righteous in the present. It is all too easy for you to rise up and overtake me.

Constantly I need to read what God says about you. This part of me standing atop the high hill-

What does God say about self righteousness?

(Romans 14:1) Accept those whose faith is weak. Don’t judge them where you have differences of opinion.

(1 John 4:19-21) We love because he loved us first. 20 Anyone who says he loves God but in fact hates his brother or sister is a liar. He doesn’t love his brother or sister, whom he has seen. So he can’t love God, whom he has not seen. Here is the command God has given us. Anyone who loves God must also love his brothers and sisters.

Self righteousness, who are you to think you have the God of The Universe figured out?

When your words begin with understanding, I will hear you louder.

When your heart bounds with compassion for others opposite of you I will let you speak.

Jesus did not die for us to spout off what we think is right.

Jesus died for us first.

Jesus died for us to love sinners next. Really love them were they are NOW.

When your I’s are softer and your love is louder you will be heard. That is when you will graduate from self-righteousness to Christ’s righteousness. Until then you are silenced. Even though my fingers may begin to type… the Holy Spirit is louder and will for sure delete you.

Self-righteous self, until your views be less, the power of God within me will help you be less too.

Self-righteous self, you do not know what you think you know.

May the POWER OF GOD change you. From the inside out.

From Matthew 5,

Jesus began to teach them.

He said,

3 “Blessed are those who are spiritually needy.
The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.
4 Blessed are those who are sad.
They will be comforted.
5 Blessed are those who are free of pride.
They will be given the earth.
6 Blessed are those who are hungry and thirsty for what is right.
They will be filled.
7 Blessed are those who show mercy.
They will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are those whose hearts are pure.
They will see God.
9 Blessed are those who make peace.
They will be called sons of God.
10 Blessed are those who suffer for doing what is right.
The kingdom of heaven belongs to them.
11 “Blessed are you when people make fun of you and hurt you because of me. You are also blessed when they tell all kinds of evil lies about you because of me. 12 Be joyful and glad. Your reward in heaven is great. In the same way, people hurt the prophets who lived long ago.

Self-righteous self, may you desire to be more like Jesus and His teachings.

Unraveling Anxiety

November 5, 2014November 5, 20163 Comments

I dance with worry and anxiety too often. Sometimes I let anxiety lead the rhythm of my step. I find my feet walking to it’s beat.

Just like you when a child naps in the afternoon who usually does not I may begin to worry that he may be ill. I am walking in anxiousness waiting for that thermometer to read above 100.5.

Or other times when my husband is not home at the usual time and is also unreachable on his phone. My mind assumes that something is really wrong, most of the time assuming the worst and waiting for an officer to show up at my doorstep to tell me my husband has been in a terrible car accident. The rhythm of anxiety causes my mind to pace just to keep up with it’s steps.

Most of the time what I see in myself when I am dancing is really just the symptoms of anxiety. I see the dance of anxiety and I am beginning to recognize it’s luring rhythm. Racing mind, racing heart, outrageous thoughts, sweating plams, edgy tone, words that spew out of my mouth like an unredeemed child with an out of control God. Words like:

I fear…

I can’t…

It won’t…

I try to cover up the symptoms of anxiety with prayer and verses memorized from scripture or verses found in the Bible topic glossary under the bolded words: worry and anxiety. But the worries come back. I find myself back in the luring rhythms dancing with worry and anxiety because I am only seeing what is above the surface.

I forget to go down deep below the surface and take a good look at the giant glacier below me- where worry and anxiety are breeding a faulty foundation completely out of sight.

I am lured by worry and anxiety in my thought life because beneath the surface I have an unbelieving heart.

Beneath the surface I am drinking from the broken cistern of control. (Jeremiah 2:13 For my people have committed two sins. They have forsaken me the spring of living water and they have dug their own cisterns:broken cisterns that cannot hold water.)

Beneath the surface I am a beautiful jagged mess of pride and unbelief.

My pride desires to be in control. I want to know what is coming. I want to prepare my heart. My pride believes if I know what’s coming I can be more prepared. My pride tells me I am able to do all things. Like Eve, I want to taste the fruit so my eyes will be opened and I will then know like God knows.

My unbelief is screaming I have giant patches of cold glacier where I fail to know the character of a loving God. In my unbelieving desire to control I forget that God is in control of all things for his redeemed children. In my unbelief I choose to dance with the enemy instead of the One who truly loves me and knows the plans He has for me. (Jeremiah 29:11)

I’ve always known I am prone to worry. When I sing the words from “Come Thou Fount Of Every Blessing”

Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love- I think of my anxious adulterous dance. My constant pattern of leaving the God I love to wander over and let the rhythm of worry and anxiety control my steps.

It has just been recently that I have had the courage to look deep beneath the surface at the giant glacier of pride and unbelief breeding below me. Where the desire to control and the unbelief in my Great God are growing beneath the surface of my anxious symptoms.

Before I can examine what is tangled up beneath the surface I need to know how loved by God. I need His presence and His Spirit to be present with me.

So with courage and the armor of the Holy Spirit I have been willing to go down beneath the surface. When I see the beautiful jagged mess below. I am heartbroken. I didn’t even know about my broken cistern to be in control. But with the armor of the Holy Spirit I remember that God knew this about me anyway and He still sent Jesus to die on the cross for that icy jagged mess. I place my hand on my head to remember that no matter the mess my helmet of salvation is secure.

image via “practical pages”

With the armor of the Holy Spirit I can begin to unravel all the tangled up dances from wandering back and forth between belief and unbelief. With the armor of the Holy Spirit I know I have a Great Surgeon who helps me go to work, ever so gently to unravel the wandering mess I’ve made.

For now I am going down deep beneath the surface to fight the unbelief and pride of my heart. Not alone but with the armor of the Holy Spirit. With truth. With the gospel of peace. With the helmet of salvation secure.

I am called Sought Out. A city not forsaken. God remembers me and He cares for me SO MUCH that I am sought after. (Isaiah 62:12)

Why do I let the myths of anxiety lure me when I have a God like this?

I believe. Help my unbelief.

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Where do you feel the lure of the dance of worry and anxiety?

Marriage?

Family?

Election?

Job Security?

Relationship Security?

Final Exams?

*********

Is God calling you to look beneath the surface at the glacier below you? Take your armor with you.

Let the Great Surgeon help you unravel.

And dance with the One who calls you Sought Out.

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I See You

October 28, 2014October 28, 20151 Comment

I see you there in the grocery store with your child carrying on about wanting that toy back by aisle which-ever-it-was. I see you and I give you an encouraging smile.

I see you and I hope that my smile felt encouraging and not judging. I see you because that was me not but a few weeks ago.

Children all piled into a grocery cart that needs more seats than spaces for groceries and a mother that has set a boundary. I see you. You are not being judged.

I was you. I am you.

My smile means I am with you. My smile means I know those days when the battles are hard and the tears may flow.

I smile because like you I know you are doing your best. You are doing your best just like me in this uncontrolled environment of a grocery store, just getting your milk and bread and dealing with the other disapproving looks of passing customers.I see you because I am just like you: a mom setting boundaries and doing her best.

I see you in the parking lot losing your temper over the one child that broke the long line of hand holding and wandered into harm’s way. I smile at you too. My babies have wandered away from e in the parking lot far too often and this sin that is deep inside my soul causes me to lose my temper sometimes too.

I see you because if I am not you today, I was yesterday, or maybe I will be tomorrow and I will need someone to see me too. I will need someone to see me when I am the one standing there, temper flaring, only because I love my child and I am concerned for their safety.

In the parking lot. I see you.

I see you at church smiling pretending like the lost hours of sleep are not wearing on your soul. I see you. I know that face. You are smiling but you are one mention of sleep or feeding away from tears. Those first months are taxing and are parenting’s cruel, cruel initiation and I promise not to ask you if your baby is sleeping though the night or if you feel rested.

I see you because I have never had a baby sleep through the night sooner than six months.

I see you overwhelmed with love an under-slept all at the same time. I see you and my smile is simply an affirmation and an “I’ve been there too.” I know you are tired. We are in this together.

I see you where you are.

I smile because I want you to know our mom shirts put us on the same team.

I see you because I am you. I am with you.

Will you see me too?

The Biggest Surprise About Marriage

October 22, 2014October 22, 20141 Comment

I knew this information on an intellectual level but for some reason I chose to be in denial.

I was shocked the first time it happened; like I never saw it coming and then I cried and pretended like my marriage was over in response to the big surprise.

I cried. All balled up in the fetal position on my marital bed.

If you want to be married one day, if you are thinking about getting married one day, if you are engaged to the person of your dreams and are getting married on a certain-specific-pinterestified day or if maybe you are already doing this marriage thing: there is something that surprised me when I married my husband.

What I Discovered

I was surprised in those first few weeks of marriage when I discovered…

My husband is a sinner. (I say is and not was because he is in fact… still a sinner. I just checked. Really, he is a sinner.)

This truth seems simple enough. This truth is a basic foundation to the Christian life, we are all sinners. (Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.)

For those of you unfamiliar with the terminology of the Bible, (which was me just ten years ago so no judgement.. really, I just checked and still no judgement) to sin means to simply miss the mark; to go through life missing the mark in the middle of the bullseye of God’s perfect holiness.

It seemed like a simple truth. My husband is a sinner. My husband will not do life perfectly. My husband will miss the bullseye.

I am a sinner. (Again am and not was because I just checked and I currently am the worst of sinners.) I will not do life perfectly. I will miss the bullseye of God’s perfect holiness.

My husband being a sinner meant he would sin against me in those first few weeks of our new marriage.

Me being a sinner meant I would sin against him too.

Living together meant our sin would rub up against one another in that little apartment kitchen as we were putting away our new perfect dishes every morning, noon and night of those newlyweded days.

We would both miss the mark of that bullseye of God’s perfect holiness in that little kitchen as husband and wife and we would love each other imperfectly.

Why this basic Biblical truth about sinners was a surprise to me in my marriage still confuses me.

For some reason I believed “the gospel” would bless me, the worst of sinners, with a conflict free marriage. I really believed that Jesus would grant my husband and I, in a marriage of sinners, free from sin and conflict.

What I Was Missing

I would have spent a lot less time balled up in the fetal position on our marital bed if I had known I was missing what “the gospel” really had blessed two of the worst of sinners with in our covenantal marriage.

I was missing the piece that we are both forgiven sinners in our marriage together.

I was missing the piece that even though I fumed with anger about that water glass that sat there on the counter for days… there was abundant forgiveness for that forgotten glass and abundant forgiveness for my fuming anger.

I was missing the part of the gospel that says, “It is finished.” in John 19:30 It is finished for my husband and it is finished for me.

If you are unfamiliar with the words and the redemption story from scripture, I will tell you that from the beginning, in Genesis, the redemption story of God and His people is about God saying, “It is finished” for the worst of sinners. God is rescuing us from the truths we know at an intellectual level but fail to apply to our hearts. The truths we fail to apply to our husbands. The truths we fail to apply to ourselves.

Because of the gospel, none of us are ever granted a marriage free from sin or free from hurting. However, In Christ, we are all granted marriages full of abundant forgiveness for sinners.

“It is finished” for my husband the sinner. And that is where I have found freedom from the fetal position and the tears on my martial bed.

May “it is finished” be a theme for your marriage. May the gospel give you a marriage full of forgiveness instead of the surprises of sin in your first apartment putting away those perfect new dishes in that tiny apartment.

In Christ I am a sinner. My husband is a sinner.

It is finished for him and it is just the same finished for me.